I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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