There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize