I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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