saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
