She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
