woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
