Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
