I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
soo... how was my night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
