Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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