Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too