last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.