ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
