my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
