if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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