she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
