I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
