There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
