Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
