you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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