fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
