Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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