I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
