I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize