Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
