Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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