I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
