I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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