Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Randomize
