we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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