He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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