I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My bed smells like the plague
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
