my phone needs a breathalizer
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
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