Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
