I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
