if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
