I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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