I will die if light touches me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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