Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
