got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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