Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
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