I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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