I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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