walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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