have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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