He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
