Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
