i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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