Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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