Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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