Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
