I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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