Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
