I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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