I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
