just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
