When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
